Since I’ve been quite remiss in reviewing things anywhere outside of Twitter and in person lately (like, for the past few seasons), I thought I’d round up some quick thoughts on what I’ve seen of the new 2011 Fall Season of shows so far.

The beginning of the season is always a busy time for me. I try to give most new shows a chance, usually watching (or suffering through) at least three episodes before making a definitive decision on whether it’s worth my time or not. Far too often, the ones I like the best, don’t last much past that third episode.

I haven’t bothered to note days and times, as those inevitably change. But, each title is linked to the IMDB page for the show, so you should be able to see where it shows up on your local schedule through their tools.

So, without further delay, here’s what I think so far (often based on less than three episodes).

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

This one’s growing on me. I’m a bit of a Kat Dennings fan (or so it would seem… I remember her back in her Raising Dad days). The first episode was a little rough, but there were some genuine laughs and a good bit of heart in it. The characters may be a bit much for some–definite stereotypes abound and the “hate the rich” schtick can get a little repetitive–but I think there’s room for some good growth. The second episode showed some of that growth. I hope it gets a full season.

Charlies’ Angels (ABC)

I’ve heard that this was one of the more anticipated shows premiering this season. That’s really too bad. My eyes were rolling in the first fifteen minutes. The dialog is horrid. The plot contrived. And the overall quality of the show would even make a fan of 70s and 80s action shows (like the original Charlie’s Angels) wish for better days. There’s a chance I’ll suffer through one more episode, but unless there’s a serious improvement in quality, acting, writing, pacing, and, well, pretty much everything, it won’t get a third hour of my life.

Free Agents (NBC)

I like Kathryn Hahn. I like Hank Azaria. I want to like this show a lot. The first episode really didn’t do it for me. There were some good bits, but the supporting cast of flat, one-joke characters really didn’t do it for me. Nor did the reliance on the slew of sex jokes. But, there was still something good that shone through and, by the second episode, some things were toned down, others were polished up, and the chemistry between the leads may be just enough to save the show from being too bad to watch.

A Gifted Man (CBS)

I knew going into this one that it was being billed as the new Touched by an Angel (a show I never cared much for). What I didn’t know was just how bland and unoriginal the plot as a whole was going to be. There’s nothing that makes this show stand out from any other story that’s ever been told that involves a person who’s kind of a bastard being forced to redeem himself. Even Eli Stone (from a few seasons ago) did a better job of making the premise not just believable, but fun… and not overly sappy. This show, way overly sappy. Diabetic shock levels of sappy.

New Girl (Fox)

I absolutely adore Zooey Deschenel. But the pilot of this show really didn’t work for me at all. The filming style didn’t match the writing style and that just left a very talented cast falling flat. The premise is classic and rich with comedy potential. I know Deschenel can pull of some great stuff (and the show even manages to let her showcase her vocal talents a bit). I just hope the writers, directors, and the rest of the crew can decide what kind of show they’re making. The second episode seems to be a bit better, so that bodes well.

Pan Am (ABC)

They crammed a whole lot into this pilot. Almost too much. It was a bit tricky to keep track of who was who and what they were up to. But the groundwork they’ve set opens the door to a whole lot of plot possibilities. This is the second big 60s period show that’s debuting this season. Unfortunately, both are being compared a lot of Mad Men, even though they don’t have much in common other than the rough time period. Pan Am is something I think will be worth watching. I also think it stands a big chance of being one of the first canceled.

Person of Interest (CBS)

I wasn’t sure how this show was going to play out. I’m pretty darn happy with how it did. The plot premise is awesome–computer guy creates a program for the government that crunches through tons of data (email, video surveillance, cell phone calls) and spits out predictions of who’s a terrorist. As a side effect, it produces a whole lot of other “hits”, those are the “persons of interest” that the show is about. People who are going to be in trouble, somehow. Jim Caviezel does a great job as the heavy and Michael Emerson is almost too close to his Ben character from Lost, but the potential for interesting plots and solid action should keep the show on my “must watch” list.

The Playboy Club (NBC)

This is the season’s other 60s period drama. I liked it. It captures a lot of flavor and atmosphere. The characters have interesting backgrounds and the setting is swanky. Right off the top, there’s a mob plot, a political plot, and a bit of social commentary. If the show makes it even halfway through the season I’ll be surprised.

Prime Suspect (NBC)

Yet another cop show. I wasn’t at all excited about this one, but tuned in to see if Maria Bello could make it interesting. Once they got past showing us how sexist the precinct was and got on showing us that her character was, indeed, an awesome cop, the show actually got to the point of being above average. I don’t know if I’ll keep watching (there are only so many police procedural shows I can watch, and NCIS is already on my list), but it’s definitely on track to being a good show.

Revenge (ABC)

I keep thinking this is a CW show. I suffered through the pilot and will probably suffer through the second episode when I get around to it on the DVR. Basically, it’s The Count of Monte Cristo wrapped in Dynasty. No real surprises, standard characters, average performances. Not exciting at all. Also nothing shocking about it–Desperate Housewives has done more shocking things in mid-season episodes than this show did in it’s pilot.

The Secret Circle (CW)

This is a CW show and it shows. The teen-flavored cast fits right in with the stable of other shows on the network. It’s the twist to the normal high school hijinks that adds just enough flavor to it to make it worth watching. The mystery of why, in a town where there is a long history of magic using witches and wizards, the older generation is trying to keep the young’uns from realizing their own power is wonderfully metaphorical and very well played. The show has a nice edge to it, going a bit dark in places to add depth to what would otherwise be Charmed-lite. I’m very curious to see how it plays out.

Terra Nova (Fox)

Now this is the show I was most eagerly awaiting on the regular networks. It’s solid scifi–time travel, technology, and dinosaurs–and full of as much plot as action. It echoes back to one of my favorite canceled series, Earth 2, with it’s potential political intrigue. The first half of the two-hour pilot is a little rough and oddly constructed at times, but by the time the credits roll (after the massive dino fight), I was left feeling very happy and excited about the show as a whole. This, of course, means it will probably be canceled right quick. (It’s expensive and didn’t do exceptionally well ratings-wise, up against a slew of other popular things, including football.)

Unforgettable (CBS)

Yet. Another. Cop. Show. This one a gimmick cop show, along the lines of The Mentalist or Castle (more the former than the latter). The hook here is that the lead character can remember everything. This opens the door to an almost overused effect of her walking around herself as she goes back and searches for new clues in places she was before. There’s really nothing special about this show. The gimmick is going to get old fast, the performances aren’t compelling, the character back-stories are commonplace and uninspired. Shows like CSI eat shows like this as a snack.

Up All Night (NBC)

This is another show I desperately wanted to like (being a Christina Applegate fan and all). But, unlike Free Agents which showed some heart and space to grow, Up All Night has yet to convince me there’s a comedy goldmine in their show. In the space of two episodes, all the “new parent” jokes have been done and done again. And not even in new or exciting ways.

Whitney (NBC)

I was worried that the massive promotional campaign for this show had let us see everything that could be funny about it. Thankfully, there was more. And some of it was even good (and not a sex joke). Show creator and lead Whitney Cummings (who’s also one of people behind 2 Broke Girls) isn’t half as annoying as I thought she was going to be. The relationship between the two main characters manages to be non-sterotypical in that they don’t always fight, they don’t always make cynical jabs at one another, and they actually have a chemistry that leaves you feeling that, no matter what, they do care. That feeling hearkens back to Roseanne, possibly one of the best and most honest sitcoms ever made. I hope it keeps up the heart and humor.

So, that’s it so far. There are a few more shows premiering this week and others through October, so there’s bound to be updates.

What’s your favorite new show so far?

 

Over the years I’ve made a lot of mistakes in relationships.

Over those same years, I’ve watched a lot of other people make a lot more. (Mostly because I wasn’t actually doing anything other than observing… hard to make mistakes of your own when you’re not participating.)

From all that pain and suffering (plus a few years studying things like interpersonal communication), I’ve seen that there are four things you can do to give you better quality relationships–be they romantic or platonic.

1. Listen Deeply

Relationships, especially romantic ones, aren’t just all about you. There’s another person there and they need to be heard. More than that, they need to be listened to.

What’s the difference?

Hearing someone is a passive thing. It happens whether you want it to or not as your ears pick up the sounds their mouth is making. Sure, it may all devolve into a Charlie Brown adult warbling drone, but you’re hearing what they’re saying.

Listening to someone is more than just hearing the sounds coming out of their mouth. It’s trying to hear what’s between the words, what’s beneath them, around them. Listening is an active search for meaning. A collaborative process that often involves questions to clarify what you think you’re hearing. It also includes paying attention to body language and other non-verbal cues.

Even if you don’t get it right, just trying will teach you a lot about yourself and your partner. The effort will make them feel like they’re more part of the relationship and will most likely lead to them listening better to you.

2. Speak Honestly

Speaking honestly is more than just not lying to your partner. Speaking honestly is speaking from your heart, with your mind as moderator–keeping emotions you know are counter productive in check so you can clearly communicate why you’re feeling the way you are.

It’s also not coddling them. If there’s bad news to pass on, do it quickly and directly. There is no good time for some things–only now and a worse time. If you worry too much about how much what you have to say will hurt your partner, know that the pain (for both of you) will only get worse the longer you put it off. No relationship has ever been saved by putting off important discussions until things are on the verge of exploding.

Along those same lines, share the good and the bad. If you only ever get deep when things are dark, that’s going to set a precedent of nervousness and foreboding whenever you want to communicate. When you feel something, express it in the best way possible, as soon as possible. That flow is what can really make dynamic, healthy relationships thrive. (Especially when coupled with listening.)

3. Interact Openly

Interact openly with your partner and other people in your life. It lets everyone feel like they are a part of something good.

If you’re sneaking around, ask yourself why you’re doing that. Then deal with those reasons directly. If you’re worried about how your partner (or others) will judge what you’re doing, talk to them about it. Chances are, you’re projecting some deeper fear of your own onto the reactions you’re expecting from them.

Or maybe you really are doing something wrong. If that’s the case, stop it. Wrong for you is wrong for the relationship. If it’s right for you but wrong for the relationship, you need to reevaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

There are some cases where it’s impossible to interact as openly as you’d like. These are rare occasions that should always be critically looked at and have their pros and cons weighed. Secrecy is a relationship killer. It also makes you less of who you could be.

4. Maintain Your Sense of Self

A healthy relationship takes place between (at least) two complete people. If you cannot stand on your own, there will be major flaws in any relationship you are in. If you don’t know who you are–and, more importantly, if you don’t like who you are–others are going to have great difficulty relating to you in a positive manner.

Take time for yourself. Even if that means time away from your partner. Encourage them to do the same. The more stable each of you is as an individual, the happier and more productive you can be as a couple.

These are four simple things to keep in mind… but they are far from easy things to do in life. Don’t beat yourself up too badly if you fail every now and then at one (or four) of them. Stand up, dust yourself off, apologize to anyone who needs to be apologized to (including yourself), and start living by them again.

Yesterday I picked up the bunch of personal development courses being offered by the crew over at Only72.com. I have not been disappointed in the quality of work they’ve pulled together from 25 different authors. (Check it out and get your own bunch.)

There are three that have really stood out (so far), at least in relation to what I talk about here… so I thought I’d share some quick reviews.

Sex, Love, Liberation by Ev’Yan Nasman

This is a fantastic collection of thoughts and observations all tied together with a beautiful call to action: Be proud of who you are and what you love.

As Ev’Yan says right on the cover, this is a manifesto. The suggested rules to live by–with an open and honest heart, an soul primed for exploration, and a voice full of joy–serve as reminders that are, sadly, too often needed in today’s wild and often crushing world.

Even better, there’s a workbook packaged with this that gives you all the prompts you need in order to build your own manifesto. So first you’re given inspiration, then permission and the tools to take action. Really can’t beat that combination.

(And if you get it as part of the Only72 deal, you get it before it’s actually available to the rest of the world.)

See more from Ev’Yan over at SexLoveLiberation.com.

The Less Work, More Harmony Relationship Guide by Cara Stein

If you’re looking for something less inspirational and more practical, this is the course for you.

It’s packed with good, solid information about communication and relationship dynamics that you may not be aware of. Looking for a better way to talk about difficult topics? It’s in here. Want to liven up your relationship a little? There are tips for that. How about ways to bring a relationship back into balance? Yep, that too.

Everything in this course is organized by easily accessible topics via a browser interface–so you literally click through your questions to the answers. Those answers deliver, too. I know I learned a thing or two (and was reminded of many more) as I read through the content.

And if you want something even more in-depth, Cara has included a special discount code to “upgrade” to the more intense version of the course–complete with worksheets and exercises to help you put into practice all of the concepts she discusses.

Get this as part of the Only72 special deal.

See more from Cara at 17,000 Days.

Reclaim Your Dreams by Jonathan Mead

This is a more general guide to taking control of your life, but I like what I’ve read so much that I really want to recommend it to a whole lot of people.

There is fantastic instruction here for unbrainwashing yourself (basically unlearning a lot of bad habits and artificial limitations that you’ve learned). That in and of itself should help give you better relationships with other people. I know it’s a topic I work with a lot (even if I haven’t written about it a lot, yet).

The exercises are clear and direct. The points to meditate on are good, solid, things to think about. The writing style has just the right amount of fun mixed in to keep it interesting and to let the deeper insights sneak in. (I’m a big fan of things that make you chuckle a bit and then stop as something profound suddenly hits you.)

Buy this as part of the Only72 package and get access to a more intense “home study” course based on the currently unavailable in-person coaching Jonathan does.

Read more from Jonathan at Illuminated Mind.

So, there’s three big reasons to get this collection of courses and books. The normal prices of these three courses alone add up to what you’ll pay for a full 22 products. And I can assure you, if any of these three are to your liking, you’ll find more that are useful. (Heck, the cook book in the bunch is absolutely fantastic–so if you like to eat, you’re covered!)

If nothing else, just go and check out the full list of what’s in the package.

Oh, and one more thing: $5 of every sale gets donated to Cath Duncan’s KidneyRaffle.com project. Cath’s “Team Juggernaut” is raising $45,000 for much needed support and research to the Kidney Foundation. If that’s not a little more incentive, I don’t know what is.

This is a deal you’re going to want to jump on.

As I mentioned in my last post, last year I was lucky enough to get in on the Only 72 sale that focused on online business. What I learned from that set of ebooks–and the people they connected me with–has been invaluable.

This time around, the focus is on personal development. I know that by the time you’re reading this, I’ll already be eagerly flipping through the titles that are listed below.

Why? Because the deal is too good for me to pass up. There are ebooks and programs from 25 different authors, totaling nearly $1100 if bough separately. All that for only $97? Who can pass that up?

Buy your set right now.

Still want more info? Here’s the list of what you get:

Focus by Leo Babauta ($35)

• The full version of the book, including bonus chapters, in PDF, EPUB, and AZW
• An email fast guide (PDF)
• A decluttering quickstart guide (PDF)
• A guide to changing habits
• 3 Audio Interviews
• 5 videos

Momentum Kickstarter Kit by Charlie Gilkey ($47)

• Living the Good Life (PDF)
• Email Triage (PDF)
• Premium Planners Set

Reclaim Your Dreams by Jonathan Mead ($47)

• Reclaim Your Dreams – “Everything Package” (70-page PDF)
• “I’m Serious About Action” Worksheets (30-page PDF)

52 Weeks to Awesome by Pace & Kyeli ($52)

• 52 emails, each with a tidbit to learn and a mission to accomplish
• A 128-page workbook (PDF)
• Pace & Kyeli’s best-kept secret to living an awesome life

5 Ingredients | 10 Minutes by Jules Clancy ($77)

• 133 totally NEW 5-ingredients recipes
• Colour photographs of every recipe (343 pages)
• 50 videos

Rebel Fitness Guide by Steve Kamb ($37)

• Rebel Fitness Guide (40-page PDF)
• Rebel Diet Guide (35-page PDF)
• Rebel Food Fighter (60-page PDF)
• 6 Separate Workout Exercise Books

Fear-Crushing Travel Guide by Farnoosh Brock ($47)

• Fear-Crushing Travel Guide (113-page PDF)
• 7 Fear-Crushing Travel Worksheets
• 10 Audio Interviews with experienced world travelers
• Bonus: The Master Travel Preparation Tip Sheet

Overcoming the Fear of Uncertainty by Sean Ogle ($47)

• Overcoming The Fear of Uncertainty Guide (15,000 words)
• Using Mint.com to Change Your Life (7,000 words)
• Ultimate Guide to Starting a Blog
• 5 Interviews, including Chris Guillebeau and Pam Slim
• Worksheets, review sheets, questions, answers, and a remote work agreement template

The Creativity Toolbox by Ali Luke & Thursday Bram ($47)

• Mapping Your Project: The Big Picture and the Details (22-page PDF)
• Game Plan: Spark to Business (36-page PDF)
• Balancing Life and creativity (26-page PDF)
• 7 interviews
• Resource Directory
• 65 Jump-leads for your creativity

Make Sh*t Happen by Jenny Blake ($47)

• Make Sh*t Happen (80-page PDF)
• Workbook of all exercises (Google Docs)

The Language Hacking Guide by Benny Lewis ($67)

• Language Hacking Guide in PDF, ePub, Mobi, and printer-friendly
• Full translationss of the guide in 23 different languages
• Worksheets, also translated
• Almost 3 hours of audio interviews
• Lists of free resources for practicing any language

Sex, Love, Liberation by Ev’Yan Nasman ($47)

• Sex, Love, Liberation: A manifesto for the bold at heart (61-page PDF)
• Sex, Love, Liberation Workbook (29-page PDF)

Learn More, Study Less by Scott Young ($67)

• Learn More, Study Less (200+-page PDF)
• 6 bonus printable workheets

A Daring Adventure collection by Tim Brownson ($47)

• How to be Rich and Happy (215-page PDF)
• Don’t Ask Stupid Questions (94-page PDF)
• Don’t Panic! A Practical Guide to Dealing with Fear, Anxiety, Panic & Public Speaking (45-page pdf)
• 16 Ways to Destress Your Life (34-page pdf)

The Less Work, More Harmony Relationship Guide by Cara Stein ($47)

• 25 PDf modules (96 pages, 38,000+ words)
• Better Communication Workshop

Brilliantly Better Collection by Dragos Roua ($43)

• Natural Productivity (156-page PDF)
• 100 Ways to screw up your life (109-page PDF)
• 100 Ways to improve your life (108-page PDF)
• 30 Sentences for a millionaire mindset (96-page PDF)

How to Become an Advanced Early Riser by Steve Aitchenson ($37)

• How to Become An Advanced Early Riser (66-page PDF)
• Success Log to track your progress
• 4 MP3 audio downloads
• Quick start guides

Cheap Family Fun by Kim & Jason ($52)

• 52 weekly emails of ideas for free or very cheap fun
• 52 short, entertaining videos

The Art of Relaxed Productivity + The Power of Positivity by Henrik Edberg ($44)

• The Art of Relaxed Productivity (98-page PDF)
• The Power of Positivity (132-page PDF)
• Quick Start To Relaxed Productivity Audio Guide (MP3) + 5 more audio files
• The Ultimate Guide to Motivation
• 2 Workbooks
• Audio Transcripts

Discover Package by Barrie Davenport ($59)

• Discover Your Passion (116-page PDF)
• The Bold Living Guide (46-page PDF)
• Coaching Works (10-page PDF)
• Life 101 Master Course (9-page PDF)

Mind Control Method: How to Get What You Want by Karol Gajda ($47)

• Mind Control Method (37-page PDF)
• 5 MP3 audios

Sell Your Crap by Adam Baker ($47)

• Sell Your Crap (67-page main guide PDF)
• The Definitive Step-by-Step Guide to Selling Your Crap on eBay (171-page PDF)
• The Definitive Step-by-Step Guide to Selling Your Crap on CraigsList (49-page PDF)
• The Definitive Step-by-Step Guide to Selling Your Crap on Amazon (41-page PDF)
• 10 Video Interviews with Anti-Clutter authors and bloggers, including Leo Babauta, Chris Guillebeau, and J.D. Roth

Impressed yet? I was when I saw that list.

The sale’s only going on until Thursday–just 72 hours (like the title says). After that, there won’t be a way to get a deal this good and you’ll be stuck shelling out full price for whatever books you want.

Much better to buy now and get the best deal around.

Then dig in and rock your life.

Last year I stumbled upon a pretty awesome sale that was going on.

One of the email lists I was on posted a link to a place that was selling a couple dozen ebooks by a bunch of different authors, all about running online businesses and such.

With minimal thought, I payed out the money–getting a hefty discount for a lot of great content that really helped me a lot over the past year.

Well, there’s another sale coming up. This time, the deal is over $1000 worth of content for $97. Bunches of ebooks from 29 different authors all focusing on different ways you can make yourself better.

Looking to eat better? There’s at least one for that. Decluttering your mental and physical life? Yep. Overcoming various fears? In there.

Really, looking at the preview list I got my hands on, I know that when the sale kicks off at noon on Monday (June 20), I will again, without question, be dropping some cash and getting way more than my money’s worth.

And because I know you’re looking to make yourselves better, I’m going to share that link with you.

So, keep an eye on this site.

Better yet, sign up for the Without Being Crushed mailing list (over in the sidebar), follow us on Twitter, and “like” us on Facebook so you know you’ll find out about this sale as soon as it goes live.

Like many things, this blog kind of fell by the wayside over the past year or so.

I’ve been more concerned with more immediate needs–like paying the bills, staying employed, and, somewhere in there, moving.

When life gets crazy, it’s far too often our personal development and spiritual questing that falls by the wayside first. You know, the things we need to do the most to ensure long-term success and growth and happiness.

The good news is, I was in a good and solid enough place with my normal habits that the stagnation of the drive to know more about myself and my place in the Universe didn’t lead me to a whole lot of backsliding.

People came into my life who needed some direction and I was just far enough ahead on a similar path that I could show them how to clear some of the brush off of theirs so they could see it a little more clearly.

And that very quickly reminded me that I’d been standing in the same place so long that the briers and ferns were growing up around me.

So now I’ve got the metaphorical machete out and I’m hacking my way through the jungle of life again. Little by little clearing out the things that are getting in my way.

Part of that is getting this blog spun up again. The theme has been polished up, it’s been hooked into a new Twitter account (so follow me, if you will!), and there are plans in the works to produce a bit of content that I hope others will find useful.

More importantly, by doing all that I’m being more true to myself. Setting up some new accountability and giving myself a real reason to keep digging into who I am and what I should be doing in this world.

If you’re new here: Welcome! I’m sure we have a lot we can learn from one another.

If you’re noticing this suddenly popping up in one of your feeds after a long absence: Hi! How’ve you been? Hope you once again find useful stuff here.

And with that… it’s time to get moving.

In order to survive the worst a relationships–or lack of relationship–can throw at you, you need one thing above all else: A self-sustaining core.

By that I mean you have to know yourself well enough to understand that things will be okay, that they’ll get better, and that, despite what your negative self may be trying to tell you, you’re worth the effort of trying to keep on keeping on.

That idea of a self-sustaining core comes from having three things: Self-confidence, Self-knowledge, and Solid goals. The good news is, these three things are quite interrelated.

Self-Confidence

Self-confidence is, perhaps, the greatest asset you have. It’s also one of the easiest to deplete early on. Sometimes, it gets more than depleted–the well that supplies its regular flow gets poisoned.

That happens when others tell you–either directly or indirectly–that you’re not good enough, you’re not worth their time, or that anything you do is, at best, second rate. These are not people who offer constructive criticism with the goal of helping you out, they are the ones who simply dismiss you or, worse, actively seek to destroy you.

Being inundated with people like this for any length of time can shake even the most solid foundations of self-confidence. It’s even worse if there’s actual evidence–like a recently failed project or relationship–for your negative self to latch on to as justification for their overly-critical view.

Without self-confidence, the center of your microcosm just won’t hold. You’ll constantly play down our talents and play up your shortcomings. You’ll not bother trying because you don’t see the point in wasting everyone’s time. You won’t speak up because, hey, what you have to say won’t be listened to anyway.

With self-confidence, your core is strong and can hold against adversity. Being confident in yourself gives you a set of roots and a solid foundation on which to build everything else.

Self-Knowledge

The more you know about yourself, the harder it’s going to be for anyone else to tear you apart or otherwise damage your self-confidence. Just as importantly, if you know yourself well, you can tell the difference between a legitimate worry and something being dredged up by your negative self in order to sabotage what you’re trying to do.

Self-knowledge includes being aware of your patterns, your likes, your hopes, your fears, and more. It lets you realize that, yes, things may be bad, but they’ve been bad before, and you’ve always bounced back.

You gain it from our experiences and from actively seeking it out. It comes from within you, no one’s going to give it to you (they can try, but it won’t stick until you’re ready to buy into it). When well-stocked and maintained, it’s self-knowledge that lets you recover any fallen self-esteem.

Solid Goals

All the self-esteem and self-knowledge in the world won’t get you far unless you have a target to direct it at. That’s where solid goals come in. Without them, you wander about, wasting time and energy.

Solid goals don’t have to be excruciatingly specific things–like “I want to be the CEO of a multi-million dollar widget company.” They can be much more general, along the lines of “I want to be successful in my chosen career” or “I want enough money to live comfortably and enough prestige to be looked up to by others.”

Very specific goals work well for some, giving them something to focus all of the energy on, giving them a clear set of milestones by which they can measure their progress. Others go the more general route, instead trusting their gut and other perceptions to gauge how far toward their goal they are.

Try both ways, one will work best for you, one will feel most comfortable. And when you find that way, your self-esteem will soar and your self-knowledge will increase exponentially as you approach your goals. And, if when things go bad, you’ll be able to focus on the next goal on your list, inching your way away from the failure and toward a new success.

The Self-Sustaining Core

These aren’t the only components that will help you put together a self-sustaining core to carry you through rough times. They are, however, ones that I know from personal experience will work quite well.

Together, the combination of internalized support (self-confidence), logical fuel (self-knowledge), and clear direction (solid goals) create an engine that will sustain itself–and you–through any hard times.

When it comes to relationships, there are many things that can attract us to someone else. All of those things can be sorted into three distinct groups, or spheres. Some may fall into more than one, for we are complex creatures and our relationships reflect that, but that just gives us more ways of working with the situation to make it as positive as possible.

The three spheres of attraction in a relationship are: Mind, Body, and Spirit.

Mind

This sphere of attraction is all in your head–literally. This is cognitive attraction, the kind of attraction to someone you can reason out, point to examples, and clearly say, “This is why I like them!”

The mind sphere of attraction focuses on things that can be measured: Are they a good provider? Will they help you attain things you want in life? Socially and politically, does this make sense?

Not the most romantic of the spheres, but for some people, it’s the most important one. For others, it’s most certainly not.

Relationships built primarily on the questions and answers of the mind sphere of attraction can be very beneficial to both parties and very long-lasting. At least until conditions or needs change. The good news is, when a mind sphere centric relationship ends, the parting is often on good terms (assuming one party wasn’t taking advantage of the other or manipulating them).

This sphere is where our habits reside, for better or worse, and often the one that can become the most twisted and problematic due to various traumas.

Body

The body sphere of attraction is all about biology. Hormones, brain chemistry, pure physical attraction. Before our minds developed and we were little more than kind of advanced animals, this sphere was the driving force behind our attractions and relationships.

You can still see it solidly at work among teenagers… and some people who are older than that, too.

Body sphere centered relationships can be shallow, but active (in many ways). Strength, physical stature, and general health come into play heavily. All parties involved may have a good time, but there is some question to how solid a long-term relationship built mostly on physical preferences will last.

This sphere is where our lust, competitive nature, and drive to reproduce comes from. With age, injury, or health, it can be severely limited. Problems with the body can often spill over into the other spheres, so it’s important to not ignore the needs of the body sphere, no matter how crude or base they may seem.

Spirit

Of all the spheres, the spirit sphere of attraction is the most difficult to grasp at times. This is the home of romance and a passion that doesn’t always make sense when looked at objectively. It’s also where you find those odd connections that draw otherwise very mismatched people together into friendships.

This is the sort of attraction that just kind of happens. There’s not always a clear link to what you find physically attractive or what would be beneficial socially. Still, there’s some sort of draw and connection.

Spirit centered relationships aren’t always romantic ones. In fact, very often we stumble into spirit based relationships because someone catches our attention in a non-romantic, yet not unpleasant, way. Very strong platonic relationships can be built within the sphere of spirit, but the longest lasting and most rich romantic ones are also centered here.

Of course, this is also where some very problematic relationships can grow from–people aren’t always brought into our lives to make them more pleasant, but to help us learn about ourselves. The people that we’re drawn to by some sort of spiritual connection may enter our lives to teach us hard, and unpleasant, lessons… like how we need to stand up for ourselves or be walked all over, or how to deal with the sudden loss of a loved one.

Three Facets of Each

Each of those three spheres of attraction have three facets to them: Objective (what anyone can see and agree on), Projected (what we want to see, but isn’t necessarily so), and Actual (what actually is).

When trying to make sense of a relationship, it’s important to take into account each of these facets.

We may be drawn to someone in a physical way, but project upon them some great spiritual significance because, in our minds, we think we should only be attracted to someone in more “pure” ways. Alternately, we could spend a lot of time and energy rationalizing ourselves out of a relationship because we don’t think it’s a good idea, but our spiritual sphere tells us otherwise.

Straightening out which sphere and which facet is influencing us at any given time is one of the more difficult things to keep track of. Because of that, it’s of the utmost importance to have someone (preferably a few people) to talk to about your thoughts and feelings. Bringing in more solidly objective and actual facets helps us clear up what we’re projecting and reconcile any disparities among our three spheres of attraction.

Which sphere do you think you’re most prone to be lead by when finding someone attractive? How has following that attraction worked out for you?

Yes, it’s been a bit quiet here for a long time.

But the winds are changing, the wheel turning, and I hope to be back on track shortly with all of this. I’ve been living in “interesting” times.

Look for some reviews and writings in the next week or two.